The Magic Rat

Big Speshul Birfday!

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 21:22:08 GMT

Happy birthday to silvarbelle from Rat and Hellmoose! Long may you churk, may your tail never be taped, and may your supply of flaming moose doots never diminish.

Whine sulk pout

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 08:08:11 GMT

Yes I'm whining. Yes I'm sulking. Yes I'm feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe I'm just cranky, who knows. Torquere just handed out the list of books that got reviewed and yet again I am not on it. Number of reviews for me so far - one and a half. Fallen Angel gave me a nice review a while ago, which I appreciated, and a second site I will not name gave a lackluster description of my book and then basically said "not enough sex".

Yeah.

It's just infuriating. The "mainstream" publishing houses wouldn't touch me because GASP! Can't have a dragon and a gay guy in the same book! Fantasy is only for children! The places that took fantasy said they don't take young adult, and what is this gay guy doing in a young adult book anyway? So a gay publishing house is nice enough to take me and now no one is reviewing me because there's not enough porn.

Oscar Wilde was right. The only thing worse than being talked about is NOT being talked about.

I'm gonna get into the crawl space and chew wood until I feel better.

**Edited to add** I just noticed that Literary Nymphs gave me a review as well. To see it go here and scroll down -
http://literarynymphsreviewsonly.blogspot.com/2008_04_27_archive.html

And Mycheal Black did an excellent one as well.

METALOCALYPSE - Puppy Pile.

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 10:40:38 GMT

Puppy Pile.

Author: The Magic Rat/Dwarrow Child.
Rating: PG
Pairing: Toki/Skwisgaar… sorta.
Warnings: Some sap and a few little spoilers for Deth Dad but nothing major.
Summary: It’s been a brutal few days. Time to pile onto the bed, have some cheese, and thaw out.

Author’s Notes: Here you go! A full thirty minutes in the brains of the comedy duo that is Rat & Rei in ficlet form. She and I are firmly convinced that one of the great secrets of Dethklok is the “puppy pile”, in other words that when things are particularly bad they all pile into Nathan’s bed (his is the biggest) and just huddle and cuddle together until they feel better. Of course no one knows this. And if they DO know this then they better not talk about it.

They shambled into the hotel room, saying nothing, dropping their bags onto the floor as they distractedly checked out the room. Nathan carried Toki over to the bed and placed him on it, then took his face between his enormous hands and looked into the blank blue eyes.

“Ish he back yet?” asked Murderface.

“No. Not yet. He should be soon, though.” Nathan stroked Toki’s hair, then flopped to his back, making everything on the bed including Toki bounce. “This sucks.” He looked over at Pickles, sparing a brief glance for Skwisgaar’s finely made backside as he bent over to shake the ice crystals out of his hair.

“Who you calling, Pickles?”

Pickles had already finished dialling and had received an answer. "Hey, Ahfdensen? Yeah it's Pickles. Um... okay. See.... Toki just accidentally dropped his dad into a frozen lake and killed him. We would really appreciate it if you could come, like.... NOW?!"

Thousands of miles away, Charles sighed. “I'm already packed.”

"Personally I would have dropped the old bastard on purpose,” said Pickles, “but yeah... was an accident."

“Well, I'm coming,” said Charles. “Try and keep Toki indoors.”

"'at's fine,” said Pickles. “Hey, we're in a puppy pile at the Reindeer Inn. Hey you should come join."

There was a pause. “I'll just... see you there.”

“Okay then. See you soon.”

Nathan watched Pickles hang up. "Is he coming?"

"Yeah but I don't think he's gonna join the pile."

"F//guitar riff//"

“Why you cares?” asked Skwisgaar, tossing his long damp hair back, fluffing it so it would dry. “Dat's beings kinds of weird anyways, ja?”

Nathan shot him a cold, sidelong glance as Pickles gently drew Toki close, stroking his hair.

"Yeah,” said Nathan. “It's weird the same way you eating the face off that pretty Goth kid who was flirting with Toki at the last show was.”

Skwisgaar immediately became defensive. “What's dat's gots to does wit' anyt'ings?!”

Nathan just grinned at him, deciding he’s not playing this game. It would be too easy to win.

"Look I just want Ofdensen here because... you know, I.... think he's kinda hot in a repressed paper-shuffler sort of way."

In the background Murderface sputtered in horror at what Nathan had just said. Skwisgaar continued to fuss with his hair, looking thoughtful.

“You t'inks he's hot?” He shrugged. “Okays, I gets dat. Dat's makings sense den.”

"Yeah I can see that, he's got that whole evil accountant thing going on, yeah I see that,” said Pickles. He put an arm around Toki and cuddled him.

Skwisgaar gave his hair a final shake and sat on the bed. “I don'ts. Nots really into nerds. But I gets dat's Nat'ans wantings hims here becauses of dats, 'cause I don'ts knows why else he woulds.”

Pickles tried to coax a reaction out of Toki, playing with his whiskers. "Dood nerds are the best lovers, didn't you know that? All that repressed sexual tension crammed down into that little grey suit behind those little grey glasses. I bet he's a screamer. Probably a back-scratcher too. I bet he can go all night like a carnival ride."

Nathan gave Pickles an annoyed look. "Uh... please don't talk about Charles that way."

“Oh ja, I likes lady nerds,” said Skwisgaar. “And youngs guy nerds okays, too. But nots old guy nerds.” He shot Nathan a confused look as he asked Pickles not to talk about Charles. “What's is problems? We talks abouts peoples we wants to f//guitar riff// all da times.

"Because Charles is different. I don't just wanna f//guitar riff// him, I think... I could actually see myself talking to him afterwards. I think I really LIKE him."

Skwisgaar blinked in confusion. “You whats?”

Nathan’ s eyes darted guiltily as he muttered very quietly; "I... think I really like him. Like.... a lot."

Skwisgaar’s brain was not absorbing the concept. “Ja... You likes hims to f//guitar riff//...?”

"No I think I'd like him to be my boyfriend. Weird huh?"

Skwisgaar stared at him, not comprehending, his brow furrowing. “I's... No, I's not followings you.”

Murderface, who very happy to not be the dumbest guy in the room for a change, added his gentle explanation to the perplexed Swede.

“He's shaying he wantsh a relatchionship with him, dickfasche!!”

“Sexual relationships...?”

“Jusht... Jusht forget it, go play with a yo-yo or shomething. Jeezshy...” Murderface rummaged through a bag. “Oh beer! Nice and icy, too. And cheese!”

“Oh toss it here!” said Nathan.

Murderface handed out beer from a bag like a frightfully ugly and dysfunctional Santa. Pickles cuddled poor unresponsive Toki, looking into the blank and unfocused blue eyes. No sign of life. None. He glanced towards Skwisgaar.

"Here, dood, you hold him, my arms are falling asleep."

Skwisgaar continued to stare at Murderface in confusion for a little while longer, then forgot about him and carefully accepted Toki, settling him comfortably in his arms. He froze, a look of supreme annoyance crossing his face, as Pickles took a picture of the two cuddling.

“Why is you doings dat?” asked Skwisgaar, irritated.

“Dood, to post on a fahn site, just because... y'know, it's cute. Girls go nuts over that sh//guitar riff//.”

Murderface finished handing out beer and cheese and climbed onto the bed to join the rest of his bandmates. “Sho you like Mr. Numbers, huh?” he said, addressing Nathan.

"Yeah. But... I don't think he likes me the same way. Man I'd like to do him."

Murderface curled his lip in distaste “Yeeeeah, uh... The doing him part I really don't get, but whatever floatsh your boat.”

Meanwhile, as the conversation and the devouring of cheese was going on, Toki raised him head and looked around. Safe. He’s safe. He’s in a warm place with the guys, and that’s all he cares about. He snuggled against Skwisgaar, drawing attention to himself. Skwisgaar glanced down and saw the life slowly returning to Toki’s eyes. He smiled, speaking softly as he stroked the long brown hair.

“You's awake! Dat's good.”

Toki blinked sleepily, happy just to be held and snuggled, not quite ready to talk yet. Skwisgaar pet Toki's hair, fishing Deddy Bear out from one of the bags with his free hand. Toki gladly accepted his bear, still not ready to talk but feeling better. He let Pickles feed him some pickled herring, while Nathan continued his conversation with Murderface.

"So uh... what's up with you and Knubbler? You follow his ass around like it's a magnet."

“It'sh a nice ass.”

"It's a non-ass. The man is assless. He's a pipe cleaner in a suit."

“Hey, shut up!! That'sh my man you're talking about! Don't make me shtart saying things about the robot, 'caushe I've got a million!”

"At least my robot has an ass."

“Mother f//guitar riff//er!! I'm trying to be nice here and not make asshumptions about the shize of the robot's dick!”

Pickles looked over at Murderface "Dood what are you tahking about, the robot's dick is right there." He pointed at Nathan, who clobbered Pickles with a pillow.

Skwisgaar managed to look as if he was having a thought. “Now you mentionings it, I wonders how bigs is really being?”

Murderface twitched in disgust. “Aw, grossh. I didn't wanna shtart that.”

Pickles grinned as Nathan kept bopping him with a pillow. He mimed calling someone on his phone.

"Hey, Ahfdensen? Yeah. We all got a question and we want you to not yell at us but.... how big is your dick? Nathan won't shut up about it, I think he's obsessesed or something."

Skwisgaar’s eyes lit up. “Oh, dos it!! Calls him and says dat! Dos it!”

“NO!” yelled Nathan. “Pickles don’t you dare!”

Pickles did, and repeated the statement word for word, waiting for Charles to formulate a response. Skwisgaar made an oddly girlish noise of suppressed glee. Nathan made a dive for the phone in an effort to get it away from Pickles. Charles meanwhile had absolutely not the slightest idea what to think about that question or how to respond, and was silent for quite a long time. Nathan finally managed to get the phone and brought it up to his ear.

"Charles? Yeah. Uh... ignore them. They're high, they're REAL high. I don't think about how big your dick is or what you look like naked or what kind of sounds you make in bed or how good you smell or NONE of that. Okay? Seriously. I don't. Really. Or.... at least... not very often."

There was another long silence. Then finally Charles spoke.

“Nathan?”

"Yeah?"

“Seven and one quarter inches, last I checked. Is that all or can I get on the helicopter now?”

Nathan’s brain did the blue screen of doom. He slowly fell over, unable to believe what he had just heard. Pickles grabbed the phone.

"Hey Charles? That's cool, that’s all we wanted to know, we'll let you go now. But I think Nathan’s in a coma.”

“Well just roll him onto his stomach so he doesn't choke,” said Charles. There was a quiet little sound that could have been a laugh. “I'll be there in a few hours.”

"Okay. Bye."

Pickles hung up and looked over at Nathan, who looked like he just saw him mom and dad doing the nasty.

"Seven and one quarter inches,” he mumbled. “I don't know what freaks me out more. That he measured it or that he TOLD me."

Skwisgaar was grinning, far too delighted with the entire situation. “Well you dids ask him.”

Murderface shrugged. “Dude, everybody measures.”

Toki was a silent spectator to all of this. He’d never measured himself and had no intention of doing so, but he was hardly inclined to mention that. Besides, he was getting Swedish snuggles and that was all he wants right then. Playful and yet very shy, he nipped Skwisgaar's chin, virtually unnoticed by his bandmates.

"Okay, I did not ask Charles how big his ding-dong is,” said Nathan. “Pickles did."

“Well, Pickle saids you wantings to know, so dat counts as you doingks it,” said Skwisgaar.

He smiled down at Toki as he was nipped, giving his forehead a playful nuzzle as he spoke in soft, affectionate Swedish to him. Pickles and Nathan shot each other amused glances as the two Scandinavian airheads, who were definitely not into each other, and if they were it would ONLY be for sex, nuzzle and purr. Toki nudged Skwisgaar back, then delicately nipped his lower lip. Skwisgaar rubbed their noses together, reaching up to play with Toki's whiskers. Murderface decided that he found this just too sickeningly sweet to watch and redirected his gaze to Nathan.

“Sho he told you how big his wee-wee is?”

“Yeah,” said Nathan.

“Y'think he'll let you bone him when he getsh here?”

Nathan was affronted. "I don't know! You don't just bone a guy like him, he's classy! He's educated! He's.... completely out of my league. Nah. He'll probably tell me to go stick my dick in a meat grinder."

“He could've told you that on the phone,” said Murderface.

"No because classy guys don't tell you off on the phone."

“I do,” said Murderface.

“I rest my case.”

Nathan nudged Pickles, and the two watched, grinning, as Toki did what they thought he would never ever in a billion years have the guts to do; plant a shy little kiss on Skwisgaar's full lips. Murderface of course was oblivious, reaching for more cheese.

“Well, try and shtay positive, dude. If you imagine he'sh planning to fuck your brainsh out when he getsh here, then at leasht you'll be happy until he does get here and rejectsh you.”

Nathan mulled over the Wisdom of Murderface and decided it was probably not the dumbest thing he's ever heard. He’s pretty sure he’s heard dumber. Nearby, Toki cringed after kissing Skwisgaar. He said nothing, still not quite ready to speak, and hoped Skwisgaar was not upset by the kiss. He didn’t seem to be. He seemed more surprised than anything, and drew back slightly to look down into Toki’s large blue eyes.

“Tokis?”

Toki cringed a little more, still not ready to speak. Nathan decided that the only decent thing to do was pretend he was not aware of any of this.

“Well, I’m calling room service. I’m f//guitar riff//ing hungry. Anybody want anything?”

Murderface perked up. “Do they have cheesesteaks? Get a cheesesteak. I feel like eating a cheesesteak.”

“I don’t think Norwegians eat cheesesteak.”

The three Americans looked to their one lone Norwegian to clear up the matter, but the Norwegian was currently busy with the Swede. Nathan sighed and spent the next ten minutes explaining to someone on the phone that yes, he really did want a fried steak with melted cheese all over it. In fact he wanted two.

“Oh and get some herring for Toki,” said Pickles, “’Cause… y’know, he was asking about it.”

“Oh,” said Nathan. “And some pickled herring.”

“Woulds you likes cheese on dats too?” asked the man on the other end of the phone dryly.

“Hey. Don’t be a smart ass.”

Nathan ordered cheesesteaks, pickled herring, booze and a few other things. Skwisgaar’s eyes darted quickly between Toki and the rest of the guys, trying to decide if they were suitably distracted before placing a kiss to the corner of Toki’s mouth. He then whispered very softly in his native language into Toki’s ear.

“We’ll wait until we're alone for more."

Toki finally spoke, but very quietly.

"Don't wants more. Gots whats I want here."

Toki closed his eyes, settling against the lean body that held him. Skwisgaar smiled, stroking his hair fondly as he watched Toki drift into a light doze.

“You rests, little Tokis. Is all okays. You see. It’s all beings okays when you wakes up.”

Toki snuggled a little closer, smiling, and Skwisgaar kissed his head.

The mood was ruined slightly when Nathan shoved a lit firecracker down the back of Murderface’s pants.

FINAL FANTASY - Manor House – Chapter Two.

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 00:41:03 GMT

Manor House – Chapter Two.

Rating this Chapter: R
Pairings: Cloud/Reno, Tifa/Barret, Aeris/Tseng, Zack/Sephiroth, Vincent/Cid, Reeve/Rufus, Yuffie/Elena.
Warnings: Some mild angst.
Summary: Cloud thinks on the past, Tseng learns to Tsew, Teddy has another heart attack, and Tifa is having problems with her wallpaper.

Author’s notes: The FF mini-series usually run about 7 – 9 chapters in length. I’m pleased to announce that this one will be longer, as towards the end it will segue into a FF/Metalocalypse crossover. Something for everyone!

Shinra Manor hadn’t changed.

Cloud stood in his leathers, sword across his back, staring up at the old house, recalling all too well his previous times here. He especially recalled seeing Sephiroth standing in the downstairs office, sick, staggering, his eyes blackened, moving like an animal in the final stages of rabies.

So much pain and horror…

“I can’t believe you asked me to come back here,” he said quietly.

It was early evening, and he and Tifa were the only two in the yard, gazing up at the old mansion. To Tifa it may have been all tea parties and games, but to Cloud it was death, and pain, and tragedy.

God how he hated this house.

“I’m sorry,” said Tifa. “I didn’t think it was that big of an issue.”

“No, of course not,” said Cloud coldly. “Because you live in a happy state of denial. If we all just pretend Sephiroth didn’t lose his mind here, then he didn’t. If we pretend Vincent wasn’t brutally murdered here, then he wasn’t. If we all pretend Cloud’s not having a nervous breakdown and thinking he’s someone else, then we can manipulate him to meet our own needs.”

Tifa stared at him, horror-struck. “I would never hurt you! Or use you! How can you say that to me?!”

“Tifa, I’m your best friend. And I have been all my life and plan to be until I die. You’re one of the bravest and strongest people I know. I understand how hard it is to face reality. How hard it is to face the black shit that stains the outer edges of our lives. You deal with it by not dealing with it. By pretending everything is roses and sunlight. But I’ve got to tell you… as your friend… you asked a far bigger favour than you realize.”

Tifa clenched her fists, unable to respond because she knew what he was saying was true.

“I just want one of my dreams to come true. Just one. That’s all. One. I can’t have you, I can’t keep my bar, I’m certainly never going to be a princess, I can’t even have a ba…”

She stopped talking as Cloud’s head snapped in her direction. Tifa closed her eyes.

“Sephiroth cut me too badly. The doctors all said there was a chance but I haven’t taken a single birth control pill in over a year. I finally went to Dr. Gaywell and she said that even if they could remove all the scarring it’s unlikely I could get pregnant.” She wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “So don’t talk to me about grim reality, Mr. Strife. I may play at sunshine and roses but that’s only because if I didn’t I’d start to scream.”

“You never said a word,” he said quietly.

“No, why would I? What good would it do? It would have only upset Sephiroth. And by the time he was well enough for me to throw it into his face as I had been wanting to do for years I found out I liked the arrogant bastard. And what good would it do anyway? He was sick. I saw it in his eyes. He was dying on his feet and out of his mind. Then Vincent got pregnant and… well… I sorta renovated the bathroom with my bare hands.”

Cloud raised an eyebrow.

“Well it was an ugly bathroom anyway! And it’s not my fault the toilet exploded, it was old anyway.”

“Uh huh,” said Cloud.

“I might have helped it along,” she admitted sheepishly.

“Would this be the same bathroom with the ten foot high geyser spraying out of the floor?”

“Oh all right so I demolished it, I was upset. I mean he’s a guy, it’s not fair!”

“No, I can see how you would feel that way. A lot of things in our lives haven’t been fair. That’s why we’re family. I’m sorry I snapped, Tifa. It’s just that this house is not a happy place for me.”

“I know. I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have asked. It was just too big a job for me and Barret. Then I told myself that maybe it would be good for you guys to come out here and face down the past and…” She sighed. “I really am a dumb selfish bitch, aren’t I?”

“You’re not dumb,” said Cloud, all big blue eyes and innocence.

Tifa narrowed her eyes. “Please don’t make me give you a wedgie and hang you from a tree.”

“I’d like to see you try, Booberella.”

Tifa went from contrite to infuriated in an instant. “BOOBERELLA?! I’LL BOOBERELLA YOU RIGHT IN THE NUT SACK YOU SHORT-ASSED LITTLE RUNT!”

Cloud shrieked and fled, recalling a little too late just how very much Tifa did not care for her high school nickname. Tifa tore after him as he made straight for the water tower, scrambling up it. He hung off the storage tank and looked down at her as she stood on the ground.

“Can’t reach! You’re wearing a skirt and if you do climb up then half of Nibelheim will see your undies!”

“Yeah that worked in grade five, Strife, but ask me if I care now!”

“You better care, especially if you’re wearing those raggy purple ones!”

“Those are my lucky panties!”

“Yeah? What’s lucky about them?”

“They survived life on the road with you!”

From the upstairs window in Nibelheim’s only hotel, Zack and Sephiroth gazed down on the tiny town square where Tifa and Cloud chased each other in the failing light like a pair of kids. Zack could sense that Sephiroth would have much rather have been home with his children. Neither of them cared for Nibelheim, or the memories here. Zack gently ran his hand up and down Sephiroth’s back, comforting him.

“Baby, are you okay?” Zack asked quietly.

“I hate that house. I don’t know why I agreed to come here. I’m not going into that study in the basement. I’ll clear the tunnels but I am not going into the study.”

“You don’t have to. I can handle the study.”

“I don’t know why I’m doing this. I really don’t. It’s too much like…”

“It’s nothing like then,” said Zack softly. “Nothing at all. We’re just here helping some friends. Nothing more. There are no more dark secrets for us to find. We have them all. The only thing down there are a few raggedy monsters. Okay?”

Sephiroth nodded. “You’re right. But if I begin to feel the strain…”

“Baby if I even think for a moment that you’re not well then I will have you out of there so fast there will be nothing left but the smoke from our boots.”

Sephiroth smiled. “That’s all I needed to hear.” He raised an eyebrow as he continued to gaze out the window. “Is Cloud running a pair of ugly ripped purple panties up a flag pole?”

“I believe he is, yes.”

Sephiroth sighed. “It’s going to be a long night, Major.”

“Yes sir. Shall I warn the troops?”

“No. I haven’t enjoyed a good sneak attack in years. Just don’t let Tifa kill him until I’m there to see the little shit get his come-uppance.”

Zack smiled. “Yes sir.” He redirected his gaze from the nonsense out the window to his tall, striking lover. “I still can’t believe how beautiful you are. You know there is something from that night long ago I’d like to do.”

“And what’s that?”

“Remember how Edgington pointed out the room was short a bed?”

“Yes?”

Zack smiled. “Care to share my bed, General?”

“And why would I do that, Major? I have my own.”

“Permission to speak freely?”

“Granted.”

“Because you’re hot sex on toast and I would totally like to do you.”

“Absolutely not. If we start sleeping together openly the men will be too demoralized to go on. They’re be slapped with the cold reality of not being able to have either of us. They’re be stuck with only each other’s ugly mugs to fantasize about.” A slight frown crossed Sephiroth’s face. “Zack did Strife just accidentally hang himself from the flagpole?”

Zack looked out the window, eyes becoming huge. “Shit!”

Sephiroth watched Cloud fight with the rope as Zack tore off to help him. He sighed and shook his head.

“There is little worse than being crazy on a ship of fools,” he muttered.

Yuffie suddenly stuck her head out of the hotel’s one room. “Hey Baby! Ten gil says I can kick your ass at Super Mario!”

“Please Yuffie, no one kicks my ass at Super Mario.”

“Wanna play Doom?”

“Been there, done that.”

“Duke Nukem?”

“No.”

“Kingdom Hearts?”

“GOD no!”

“Well how about Army Men? It’s great!”

Sephiroth watched Tifa and Zack try to get Cloud disentangled from the rope, a pair of panties, and his own leathers.

“Why not.”

***---***

Aeris sat on the sofa, embroidering. Cid and Vincent didn’t have a television in the livingroom; they didn’t want their children exposed to it. Aeris wished she had thought of that but alas her kids were TV junkies. At least Ifalna had been, but life in a house without a TV had cured some of her addiction. Cid and Vincent certainly had a TV, but it was in the upstairs den, and Ifalna didn’t like to go in there because she was afraid of accidentally “messing the place up”. In other words, she feared something may happen to one of the boxes of blue prints, schematics and diagrams stored there and it would be her fault. So tonight Aeris had carefully placed the boxes neatly against one wall at the back of the room, plugged in a video, and was enjoying some peace and quiet. Or at least, she would if she wasn’t constantly being interrogated by a somewhat confused and possibly mildly addled Turk.

“So… we’re married.”

“Yes,” she said patiently.

“And we have two kids.”

“Yes.”

“And your mother hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you, she just… very strongly felt that I should pull the plug.”

Tseng smiled slightly. “And your mother hates me.”

“Yes,” Aeris grudgingly admitted.

“Can’t say I blame her, really.”

She glanced over at him. Tseng was still thin and weak, and it was all he could do to work the small half-pound weights he held, attempting to build some strength into his atrophied body.

“What do you remember?” she asked.

“Everything with perfect clarity up until ten years ago. Sometimes I get flashes of things but….”

“So you don’t recall our wedding, our children…”

“Not a thing. You could have easily walked out on me and I wouldn’t have known the difference.”

“Now why would I do that?”

“Some would have.”

“Yes well that’s not me. I’m not about to toss away a perfectly good piece of man-meat just because the package is a little banged up.”

“Man-meat?” He smiled. “I think I’m insulted.”

“That’s fine,” said Aeris. “You’ll forget about it soon enough.”

“My short term memory isn’t that bad any more.” He sighed and set the weight aside. “I wonder what I’m going to do with myself if I can’t be a Turk anymore? I think I’ll go mad.”

Aeris set down her embroidery. “Tseng you’ve only been out of your coma for a little while, give yourself a chance to recover!”

“But I want to be well now!”

“Tseng…”

“I’ll go nuts trapped in this chair!”

“You’re lucky you’re alive!” said Aeris, exasperated.

“I can’t sit here forever.”

“It’s been a week,” she ground out between gritted teeth.

“But…”

“Tseng, if you don’t stop fretting I will go to the vet and get you one of those collars that they put on dogs that won’t leave their back ends alone.”

“Well best leave now because it may come to that.” He looked over at Aeris. “What are you doing?”

“Embroidery. Believe it or not you’ve seen me do this dozens of times.”

“Yes well apparently I also married you and had two children with you and you’d think that would have made more of a lasting impression.”

“Sweetie I saw you after the dragon was done with you. Your ‘lasting impression’ was sprayed across the cobblestones in the Kalm marketplace.”

“So I hear.” He sighed. “I still can’t help but feel horrible that I forgot something like getting married and having a child.”

“Tseng,” said Aeris quietly, “you were dead. Your head was in pieces. I saw you, threw up and went into labour. I’ve explained to Ifalna what happened, she knows you’re doing your best to get better. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“How can I not?” he said. “I forgot my child.”

Aeris reached out and took his hand. “Let the nanites work. You’ll remember in time. And you will get your strength back.”

“In the meantime I am glued to this chair and going mad. What are you doing?”

Aeris rolled her eyes and giggled. “Embroidery. I just told you.”

“Is it fun?”

“Well I think so. Want to try?”

“Sure. What do I do?”

Aeris edged closer to him, showing him what she was working on. “This is a pretty basic stitch. See? One strand this way…. and then two across…. and it makes a nice smooth stitch. Now you try.”

He accepted the fabric and needle from Aeris, raising an eyebrow and smiling. “You’re not worried I’ll destroy all your hard work?”

“It’s just a kitchen apron, dear, not a ball gown.” She kissed him. “And if it will keep you from gnawing your leg off then I don’t care how badly you mangle it. And I can work on finishing my blouse.”

Tseng began slowly and rather shakily working on the apron. He froze as he noticed Aeris picked up her phone and took a picture of him, cheerfully sending it off to Rude, Elena, Reno and Rufus.

“Working on a divorce, are we?” asked Tseng.

Aeris giggled. “Elena says you’re adorable.”

Tseng muttered something under his breath. Aeris set the phone aside, then settled next to Tseng with her own needlework. They had only been sewing a few minutes when there was the tromp of someone very large heading down the stairs quickly. As Aeris and Tseng looked up, David came into view, wearing only his shorts, carrying a limp little form that was scarcely breathing. Before Aeris could say anything, David shoved Teddy into Tseng’s arms, then backed up and aimed his last ball of Wish Materia at them. There was a brilliant pulse of silent light, and Teddy sat up, gasping loudly.

David picked Teddy up and held him close, walking over to a chair with him and seating himself. He held Teddy’s small body against his chest, stroking the long black hair.

“You’re okay. It’s all right. You’re okay.”

Aeris looked from Tseng, to David, to Teddy. “Is he okay?” she asked.

David glanced in her direction. “He had another heart attack. I just grabbed him and the Wish Materia and then I thought, may as well heal two birds with one stone.” He drew back slightly so he could look down into Teddy’s yellow eyes. “You all right, babe?”

Teddy pressed close to David. He looked frightened, but all right. David closed his eyes and gently rocked him, laying his face against the long, shaggy black hair.

“You’re okay. It’s all over. Everything’s all better now. I’m here.”

Teddy made a small noise. Saying nothing further, David picked him up and carried him back upstairs, leaving Tseng and Aeris alone in the livingroom. They watched the pair depart, then Aeris looked towards her husband.

“Tseng? How do you feel?”

He looked puzzled, shaking his head as if he had water in his ear.

“Tseng?” asked Aeris again, feeling slightly worried.

He shook his head once more, then sat back on the couch, looking thoughtful, as if trying to process something. Then one eyebrow went up, and Aeris recognized the man she had married as his black eyes shifted towards her.

“Tell Ifalna nice try but I did not promise to buy her a pony.”

***---***

David carried Teddy back upstairs to their room, laying him on the bed before seating himself beside him.

“Teddy? Tell me you’re okay. Do you want me to call the doctor?”

Teddy shook his head, eyes closed, one hand resting on his chest as he panted quietly. “No. I feel all right.” He coughed. “Harsh, dude, I never want to go through that again.”

David reached out to move a few tendrils of hair out of Teddy’s face. “I thought you were dying.”

“I was dying. I was…” Teddy held up his left hand, indicating a tiny distance between his thumb and forefinger. “THIS close. I swear I could feel the Life Stream pulling me. Then I was back.” He rubbed his chest with his right hand. “Still a little sore, but… I’m okay. What did you do?”

“I grabbed the last piece of Wish Materia and used it to make you better.”

Teddy smiled faintly. “Your mom is going to have a shit fit.”

“It’s my materia. I found it. I can do what I like with it.” He eased himself down beside Teddy, slipping his arms around him and drawing him close. He pressed his face into Teddy’s hair, closing his eyes and breathing in the scent. “I’m so sorry I let you down like that.”

Teddy closed his eyes, reaching up to rest his small hand on David’s bicep. “You’re here. You’re really here. How the hell did Rufus manage to bring you back?”

“Well,” said David, stroking the soft black hair. “When you join the WRO they take blood, hair and tissue samples in case they have to identify you by the red mist sprayed on the wall. Then when they took my body to the WRO hospital before sending it to the mortuary…”

“Why would they send you to the hospital? You were missing your head.”

“Ah ah! One must never question military procedure.”

Teddy stuck his tongue out and blew a raspberry. David chuckled and continued speaking.

“Anyway at the hospital they removed some of my major organs. Heart, liver, kidneys, lungs, and then for some reason they took my brain out as well. I’m shocked that they could find it.”

Teddy smiled but said nothing.

“Anyway,” said David, “once you asked Rufus to raise me he of course sent Reeve on the hunt for any pieces of anatomy they could use to clone me. Imagine his surprise when he found out that not only were there pieces, but they were living pieces. As far as the Life Stream is concerned, that counts. They put the chunks in an experimental cloning vat, and let nature take its course. Because the pieces were still alive, especially the brain, they didn’t have to figure out a way to bring me back. Once the body had reached the point that it could sustain itself, I came back on my own.”

“So they just cloned a body around the bits?”

David smiled. “Basically. Miss me?”

“Horribly. But you knew that.”

“I know. I’m sorry. And if you want me to retire from the WRO…”

“No I don’t want you to retire. It’s important to you. But I want you to swear that from now on you will listen to me!”

“Teddy, you have nothing to worry about! Trust me, I’m a believer.” He ran his hand over Teddy’s small body. “Next time you tell me not to go, I won’t.”

“What will we tell your mother?”

“Well first I’m going to tell her that she owes you an apology.” David kissed Teddy. “Not that she will. Then I’ll tell her if she can’t behave herself then she can’t come to the wedding.”

Teddy raised an eyebrow, puzzled. “What wedding?”

“Ours. We could do it by a beach on the North Continent, like you always wanted. It’s legal up there you know. Then you could be Mrs. David Iris the rest of your life.”

Teddy raised his head, blinking his strange yellow eyes. “David, what are you on about?”

David touched his face, gazing into Teddy’s eyes. “I’m saying I love you and… I want to set the relationship in stone. Would you marry me?” It was more of a nervous inquiry into Teddy’s personal beliefs than a marriage proposal. Teddy smiled.

“Sure I’d marry you. I can’t wait to blow some of my hard-won karma on all the ‘schadenfreuden’ I’ll be feeling watching your mom have a fit.”

“Is that the only reason you’d marry me?”

“No,” said Teddy quietly. “No, I really like the idea of being a little old hippie with too many cats puttering in my garden while you smoke cigars and rant at the other generals.”

“You can rant at them too. I believe in equal opportunity ranting.”

“Oh I’m glad to hear that.” Teddy closed his eyes and snuggled close to David, slipping an arm around him. “I’ll marry you. On one condition.”

“What’s that?” asked David.

Teddy narrowed his eyes and grinned, looking positively evil. “That you let me change my last name to Iris.”

“Oh that will please mother to no end. But I have a better idea. How about we join our names and hyphenate them? David and Teddy Shade-Iris. Flows rather well, don’t you think?”

“I do.” Teddy raised his head, as if listening. “Hear that?”

“Hear what?” asked David.

“That loud sucking sound. I think we just became overdrawn at the karma bank.”

David grinned, and pulled Teddy down against his chest once more. “It’s okay. We have plenty of time to build up more.”

***---***

It was early morning, and Tifa was the one to open the door to the mansion as her friends lurked behind. The first thing they saw was an immense, two headed undead creature, weaving uncertainly. Before it had a chance to turn and confront them, an enormous lance flew threw the air and straight through the monster, bisecting it. Tifa turned sharply to face the thrower.

“Cid!”

“I’m sorry but those things piss me off.”

“Well they make me angry too but please try not to take my head off…. Oh son of a bitch! He was eating the wallpaper samples! Why would a monster want to eat my wallpaper samples?!”

“Wallpaper samples?” said Zack, walking into the run down manor. “Why are you worried about wallpaper at this point? That’s like putting an evening gown on a corpse.”

Tifa shot him an annoyed look. “I was just trying to decide if I wanted to redo the old look or give it a new one!”

“Let’s just get the walls back up first,” said Zack. He looked around the inside of the old mansion. “Man what a dump.

“Hey!” said Tifa. “How rude!”

“Ah leave the man alone,” said Cid, “he’s only rude because he’s right.”

“Hey I’ve got an idea,” said Yuffie, “let’s burn it down and start over.”

Sephiroth prowled by in perfect silence, cold and silent, roaming into the center of the room with silken ease, then stopping, raising his eerie green eyes to the ceiling, as if seeing something no one else could. The group watched him with a certain amount of nervousness.

“What a perfectly lovely place for a complete mental breakdown,” he said.

Tifa shivered. “Don’t say such horrid things, Sephiroth.”

“Why not? I lost my mind in this house.”

“No ya didn’t,” said Cid. “It’s in a glass jar downstairs.”

“Oh is that where it is.”

“The black humour in the room is dreadful,” muttered Tifa.

“Goes with the black mould,” said Barret.

“And the black rot,” said Cloud.

“And the big black man,” said Yuffie, pointing to Barret.

Tifa gave Barret a kiss. “The big black man stays. The rot and the mould have to go.”

“The acoustics are good,” said Zack.

“I noticed that too,” said Cloud. He looked at Sephiroth. “What do you think, general?”

Sephiroth continued to stare at the ceiling as if he hadn’t heard Cloud. Finally he spoke.

“I suppose they are rather good.”

As if on cue, all three burst into song at the same moment.

“You're a thousand miles away,
But I still have your love to remember you by.
Oh, my darling, dry your eyes.
Daddy's coming home soon.

On my knees every day,
All I do is pray, baby, just for you.
Hope you always want me too.
Daddy's coming home soon.

It may be on a Sunday morning,
It may be on a Tuesday afternoon.
But no matter what the day is,
I'm going to make it my business to get home soon.

You're a thousand miles away,
But I still have your love to remember you by.
Oh, my darling, dry your eyes.
Daddy's coming home soon…”

“That’s it,” said Cid, “I’m goin’ monster hunting. Anybody care to join?”

The group within the house broke up into small parties, each taking a floor. As Cid watched, Vincent walked past him, clad in his red cape and black leathers, casually flipping Cerberus. He grinned and followed after him.

“And just where are you going, you little tasty bit of all right?”

“I thought I’d start clearing the tunnels.”

“I’d like to clean your tunnels.”

“Charming,” said Vincent, heading for the curving stairs that led to the upper levels.

“Wanna see what I have in my pocket, little boy?”

“I should warn you that my husband is very large and quite jealous.”

“Ah forget about him. Run away with me.”

A faint smile crossed Vincent’s face. “Nothing ever bothers you, does it?”

Cid shrugged. “Not much. Just the thought of losing you.” He grabbed Vincent from behind and held him tight, pressing his face against Vincent’s neck. “Let’s make a baby.”

“Cid, we can not afford another baby.”

“Who cares! We’ve got love! We’ve got each other! And you’re so cute when you’re pregnant!”

“Cid, I just had a baby in December. And I’m not young! I’m in my sixties for crying out loud. I can’t be chasing after three toddlers and yet another baby.”

“Just one more.”

Vincent sighed heavily.

“No!” he said, his tone quiet and gentle, but firm. “No I’ve made enough babies for now, Cid, I’m tired. I fall out of bed in the morning and chase babies and toilet train babies and bathe babies and feed babies and… I love them and I love you but you’re not the one in the house all day caring for them. I’m sixty-seven years old and I find myself talking in infant-ese to the wolf while you play in the hangar with the grown-ups.”

Cid was mildly hurt. “Hey I help!”

“Yes. You do. You’re the best father I’ve ever seen. But Benji and Aiden are an absolute handful and soon Rhiannon will be as well. Let’s at least wait until Benji learns to speak actual words instead of profanity and Aiden stops using whatever he finds in his diaper for wall art.”

Cid held Vincent close, grinning. “He’s a talented little shit.”

“The operative word being ‘shit’,” said Vincent.

Cid kissed Vincent, then released him. They continued on their way to the room with the hidden door that lead to the spiral staircase down into the tunnels. However as they entered the room, Vincent stopped.

“What is it?” asked Cid.

Vincent pointed across the room to the stonework in which the door was hidden. “Those bricks are new.”

Cid shrugged. “Well Tifa and Barret are rebuilding the place. Only makes sense they would have fixed that wall, it was ready to come down.”

Vincent gazed at the bricks, feeling a strange sense of unease. “I don’t like them.”

“Why not? They’re just bricks.”

“No,” said Vincent quietly. “No I don’t like them.”

Cid came to stand behind Vincent, resting his hands on his shoulders, gently squeezing them. “There’s nothing wrong with the bricks, lover. You just don’t like this house. You haven’t been here since…”

“I know.”

Cid turned Vincent to face him, kissing his face. “Baby if you don’t want to be here then I will pick you up and take you out of here right now.”

“No, I’m fine, really. I just… I just don’t like this house. Come on, let’s…”

From downstairs they heard Sephiroth’s voice, speaking not in the usual soft and almost emotionless tone, but a definite shrill scream.

“ZACK! GETITOUTOFHERE!!”

“I’ve got it, lover, no worries. It’s just a worm.”

“Holy cats!” said Barret. “That’s not a worm, that’s a snake!”

“Look at this one!” enthused Yuffie. “It’s a garden hose! Where are they all coming from? Oh I bet they’re coming from beneath those broken tiles.”

Cid and Vincent listened to the sound of old ceramic tiles being set aside, and then Yuffie’s gleeful reaction.

“Oh…. gross! There’s like a million of them, and they’re HUGE! Check it out! Hey Baby! Get a load of…. HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING!! HELP!”

There was a considerable amount of crashing and thrashing and flapping, and the sounds of a priceless stained glass window being blown out as a highly distraught war hero exited through it. The dull sound of wings vanished in the distance, and there was a long, disapproving silence.

“Oops?” said Yuffie.

“I am so not speaking to you right now. Just… don’t even talk to me.”

“Tifa I’m sorry, I…”

Tifa was close to tears. “You knew how freaked out he gets! I don’t care if you don’t understand his phobia but the next time you decide to send him into hysterics can you please trash someone else’s house?”

“I can fix it,” said Yuffie in a small voice.

“How?” snapped Tifa.

“Elena and Cloud’s friend Nancy taught me, they both make stained glass things. I can put it back together. Look it’s not really broken. The lead holding the glass together is trashed but most of the glass is fine. The bits that aren’t I can stain and replace. I’ll take it into the music room, get some stuff and make it better. Okay? Maybe Elena and Nancy will come help.”

“Fine. Whatever. Just don’t break anything else, please?”

“I won’t.”

Cid kissed Vincent’s neck. “Well we said we’d help clean out the monsters so let’s help clean out the monsters.”

“All right.”

Cid walked around Vincent and went through the open door, relieved to see the rotting wooden spiral staircase had been replaces with a sturdy wrought iron one. He looked back over his shoulder towards Vincent.

“Coming babe?”

Vincent eyes the new bricks. No… not new. Recycled. But of course Tifa would not want to use brand new bricks in the wall, would she? She would want bricks that were good but a little worn, so they would match the rest of the wall, and the repair would be seamless. These bricks had been a part of something else. Something dark…

Cars. He saw cars… and men in long coats and hats fashionable many decades ago. There was a wall of bricks, red bricks like these, and the sound of conversation.

Then bullets. And a dog screaming….

“Vincent?”

Vincent shook himself. “Sorry. I was just… daydreaming.”

Cid’s eyes showed concern. “You okay?”

Vincent nodded. “I’m fine.”

Cid held a hand out for Vincent, who accepted it. Together they went down into the old tunnels.

Note Regarding my Facebook Account.

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 11:26:36 GMT

I deactivated it. I never use it. All I do is go there and throw cows at people. And I don't like the way Facebook lays claim to everything posted there and distributes it to anyone who wants it. I still have the Myspace account, however.

Feral Toki made me do it. She tagged me.

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 21:54:21 GMT

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

B) Tag eight people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

1. What are your reasons for having a LJ?

It was a gift from a reader years ago. Now I fill it with whining and shameless self-promotion in the desperate and pathetic hope that one day the other sci-fi writers will let me play with them.

2. What do you do before bedtime?

Watch HGTV. Mike Holmes rules.

3. What will your dream wedding be like?

It would be like the one I had but without my f//guitar riff//ing family throwing my guests out of my reception party at nine pm.

4. What is the city of your dreams and why?

It used to be Victoria, because when I lived there years ago it was just full of all kinds of amazing people and shops and I felt so alive and happy there. But it's changed so now I don't know where I want to be. Of course Vancouver is pretty good too. I might just stay here.

5. Are you an introvert or extrovert?

Pervert.

6. Three of your most cherished possessions:

I can't answer this. I'm up to my neck in things that are very special to me.

7. Do you trust easily?

No. I'm friendly, and I like people, but it actually takes me quite a long time to really trust.

8. What person, dead or alive, is your role model? Explain.

I'm not answering that. It would take too long.

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?

Oh gee let's see, hmmmm... how about I just say human indifference to suffering and the shockingly high level of stupidity displayed on a daily basis by fellow human beings.

10. What is your best quality?

Yeesh. Not sure I have one. Um... loyalty I think. I'm loyal to the blood-splattered psychotic end.

11. Is being tagged fun?

Yes and no. I crab but I do like it.

12. Any special plans for the weekend?

I thought I'd do something wild and crazy like weed the garden.

13. Who are currently the most important people to you?

Oh man. I have so many who are all so very important to me for so many reasons. I love a lot of people and they all form a vital part of my life.

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?

I think Feral Toki is an amazing lady with a lot of inner strength and grace, with a generous nature and I think there is a lot of warmth and love in her. I'd totally do her.

15. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?

I've done single and poor and married and poor. I'd really like to try some variation of rich, please.

16. How many children do you want to have, if any?

Exactly as many as I have.

17. What's better, to give or to receive?

Both are pretty cool. Sharing is best because then everyone gets to play.

18. What's your favorite food?

Sushi.

19. Do you have any pets? If not, what kind of pet(s) would you like?

I have two cats, two tarantulas, three guinea pigs, two crows and a duck.

20. What is your biggest fear?

Being controlled. Which, I would like to point out is nearly impossible to do because when I feel cornered I come out swinging... a bastard sword.

Feral Toki tagged me so she's immune. I would like to tag Dwarfy, Tak, Maldy, Naur, Ice Lady, Riverotter, Pointy and Deddy Bear.

FINAL FANTASY VII - Manor House, Chapter One.

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 07:34:15 GMT

Manor House

Rating this Chapter: PG
Pairings: Cloud/Reno, Tifa/Barret, Aeris/Tseng, Zack/Sephiroth, Vincent/Cid, Reeve/Rufus, Yuffie/Elena.
Warnings: None this chapter.
Summary: Loz is hanging around, Barret finally figures out what Cerberus has against him, and Tifa shows there’s more than one way to skin a tiger.

Author’s notes: Here we go, folks! My first haunted house story!

“He’s not pregnant,” said Dr. Gaywell.

Angeal breathed out a sigh of relief, sinking back into Cloud’s sofa as Genesis fussed over his diminutive son. Charon stood beside his father’s chair, silent and wrapped in darkness, white eyes glowing softly. Phoenix looked green and morose, but he seemed relieved at the news.

“Well what’s the matter with him?” Angeal asked.

“Oh it’s a fairly typical ailment among teens,” said Dr. Gaywell as she began busily putting her instruments away into her black satchel that all doctors seemed to have. “It’s called too much pizza and sugar, and not nearly enough rest coupled with sneaking a bit of whatever is in the liquor cabinet. But he’s not pregnant.” She smiled as she reached out to smooth down Phoenix’s long red hair. “And I don’t want you getting pregnant by Loz, even when you’re both all grown up.”

“Why not?” asked Phoenix.

“Because he’s too big, and you’re too little, and if you don’t understand what’s wrong with that combination, then ask Vincent.”

Phoenix pouted prettily. Meanwhile Loz, who was currently bound in chains and dangling by his feet from a ceiling beam, dared to speak up.

“Can I come down now?”

“No,” said Angeal.

“Aww...”

“You can just dangle there until I know you won’t be putting anything in my son that may potentially lead to something so frightfully stupid that the vortex between its ears could destroy us all.”

“Huh?”

“If you ever have sex with my son again I will feed you your own testicles.”

“Eyew! Meanie!”

Phoenix rolled his eyes. “Well how do we know I can even get pregnant?”

“We can’t take the chance,” said Genesis. “We’re not like other people. I’m not even sure we count as human.”

“Well who wants to be human?” huffed Phoenix. “Being human is dull. But… if I’m not human then I wouldn’t really know would I? I mean if I’m not human I wouldn’t know if being human is dull. But it looks dull. I’m glad I don’t have to do it.” Pause. “What were we talking about?”

Angeal sighed and shook his head, then reached out to take Phoenix’s hand briefly, squeezing it. “Ready to go home?”

“Yeah,” said Phoenix, smiling.

“Home?!” said Loz. “But… I’ll never see you again.”

“You can come visit,” said Phoenix.

“No I can’t, your dad hates me.”

“I don’t hate you, Loz,” said Angeal. “I just don’t want you breeding with my son.”

“Oh. Can I come down now?”

“No.”

“Meanie.”

Loz dangled while Genesis and Phoenix set about packing, Reno and Cloud watching from their place on the couch.

“Where will you go?” asked Cloud. “I though Charon levelled your house.”

“He did,” said Angeal, scowling at his son. Charon tried to look innocent but it simply wasn’t working.

“I wasn’t feeling well,” he said.

“Uh-huh,” said Angeal, grinning. He reached out and pulled Charon into his lap, despite the fact that the boy was nearly the same height as his father and still dwelled within a strange dark aura. “Well I think it would be a good idea to build our new house someplace a little more accessible to other people, since Gen is better and we don’t have to hide anymore.”

“Where would that be?” asked Cloud.

“Zack wants us closer,” said Angeal, “so does Sephiroth, and I have to admit I really like the idea of having them both back in my life. So we’re going to build our new place at the bottom of the hill. I think it would be good for Phoenix and Charon to spend some time around other kids.”

“You’re not going to make me go to school, are you?” asked Charon, looking over his shoulder at his father.

“I ought to,” said Angeal, “but I have a hard time figuring out how we make you and your white skin, red lips, black hair and freaky glowing white eyes blend into a crowd.”

Charon puckered his lips. Angeal gave him a quick little kiss.

“Cute kid,” said Cloud dryly.

“Yup,” said Angeal, hugging him. “Beats a goldfish any day.”

Cloud glowered at Angeal, who just grinned.

“Can I come down now?” asked Loz.

“No,” said Angeal.

“Meanie.”

***---***

Barret stood in Cid and Vincent’s livingroom, gazing at Cerberus. The great triple barrelled handgun with the silver amulet dangling by a fine chain from the handle was locked into a glass display case; easily viewed and accessible, but well out of the reach of small hands.

He stared at the beautifully crafted and filigreed weapon sourly, still clinging to the opinion that he formed so very long ago; that the enormous gun did not like him. But that was stupid, wasn’t it? Cerberus was nothing more than inlaid metal and wood. It couldn’t think, or feel, and it certainly couldn’t hold a grudge.

Tifa came to stand beside Barret, taking hold of his arm. “Beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it’s a real pretty piece all right. Can’t figure out why it hates me.”

Tifa giggled. “Barret, Cerberus is just a gun, it can’t hate you.”

“It hates me. I’m the only black person here and I’m the only person it snaps at! That gun is a racist!”

“Oh it is not!” said a voice behind them. Cid came to stand beside the pair. “It’s a hand gun, a beautifully crafted hand gun. Nothing more. And I can prove it.”

Barret watched as Cid fished a key out of his pocket and unlocked the hardwood case. He felt a knot of nervousness in his throat.

“Cid, I don’t think…”

“It’s not loaded, and it can’t fire the way it is now,” said Cid, lifting the glass cover to take out the weighty gun. “It’s got some fancy-ass firing pin setup that I don’t understand; Vincent takes it out before he puts it away. It’s not going off the way it is now no matter what you do to it.” He held the gun out, offering it to him. “Here.”

Barret backed away as if Cid was offering him a handful of earthworms. Tifa however accepted the weapon happily.

“Oh I love this gun,” she said. “I always wanted to look at it but I never thought Vincent would let me.”

“I didn’t know you liked guns,” said Cid.

“I don’t, but Cerberus is different. It’s so old, and beautiful. Like something from another age. I adore this gun. Look at the inlay in the barrel, it’s that fantastic? It’s some kind of flowering vine.”

“Where?” said Cid, moving closer.

“There,” said Tifa, running one fingertip down the metal. “See? It’s faded but it’s lovely.”

“Oh yeah, I see now. Pretty faint. Looks like gold, maybe.”

“I think it is. Barret what do you think?”

Barret stepped closer, and the hammers on the old gun snapped. There was no denying it; they all heard the loud click.

“That’s it!” said Barret. He looked around, then called loudly “Teddy!”

“Shhh!” said Cid. “No yelling for the hippie, he’s not well.”

Barret winced. “Right, forgot! Sorry, man!”

“How is Teddy?” asked Tifa.

Cid shrugged. “About as well as a man can be after a massive coronary. I knew all that granola would catch up with him. Never trust anything a squirrel would eat. For that matter, never trust a squirrel. C’mon, let’s go see how he is. Tifa bring Cerberus, let’s see if we can’t find out why that gun hates Barret.”

They went up to Teddy’s room, reaching the second floor room. Cid opened the dark hardwood door with the gleaming brass handle and peered into the gloom, smelling the scent of incense and strange herbs.

“Teddy? You awake?”

“Hi Cid,” said a quiet voice.

“Hey, how you feeling?”

“Awful.”

The trio walked quietly into the large room that formed Teddy’s tiny apartment. Teddy was not a man who required much, so the big chamber was all he needed. It had room for his easel, his computer, and his few belongings. It also had huge windows perfectly suited for growing small trees and bizarre plants, which filled the window box. As the small group entered they heard greeting trills and whistles from the tiny, delicate dragon-like creature in one of the small trees. The trio had encountered enough Flapbeats during the course of their travels to have acquired a healthy respect, and even a fair amount of dislike, for the little beasts. But this one had lived with Teddy since it was a hatchling, and had no idea it was a potentially dangerous monster. Teddy did not believe in keeping pets, but Fairy had been born with a crippled wing and couldn’t fend for himself. Therefore he spent his days living in Teddy’s room, singing out the window to his flying counterparts and fertilizing the plants. Tifa picked him up, and he immediately proceeded to romance her, stretching out his long neck, bobbing his tiny head, and singing as he perched on the back of her hand.

“Oh aren’t you sweet!” she cooed to him.

“Ah he does the same thing when I fill his treat cup,” said Cid.

Tifa sighed and rolled her eyes. “Cid, why do we put up with you?”

“’Cause I’m fucking adorable.” He seated himself on the edge of the bed, smiling at Teddy. “Where’s that boyfriend of yours? He’s supposed to be looking after you.”

Teddy smiled weakly. He was frail and grey, and definitely looked like a man who had just suffered a massive coronary. He reached out to pat the lump under the covers beside him. “He’s here. He’s making sure there are no monsters under the blankets.”

David snorted and shifted in his sleep.

“How did Rufus bring him back?” asked Barret.

“No idea,” said Teddy. “I’ve been too busy being sick. You’ll have to ask Rufus. So…” He turned his head to look at Barret. “You came to learn the mystery of Cerberus.”

“Yeah! I mean why does that damned gun hate me?”

“Pass him here.”

Tifa walked over to Teddy, Fairy balanced on her right hand, and passed Cerberus to him handle first. Teddy accepted the old gun, and turned it over in his hands, smiling.

“Well… you’re right. He does hate you.”

Barret threw up his hands in victory.

“BOO YAH! I knew it! Now what does the rotten little fink have against me?”

Teddy smiled weakly, stroking the gun, reading the images it gave him. “Well…. he’s a product of his generation. He’s four hundred years old and really very arrogant. You’re a coal miner and surveyor. He frankly thinks you don’t have any business touching him. And he would do the same thing to Cloud and Reno as well. They’re hired muscle. Absolutely beneath him. He’s not crazy about Tifa either but it’s not proper to snap at a lady. He doesn’t like Aeris, or Yuffie, and as for Cid… he only puts up with you because Vincent loves you. Frankly he thinks the bunch of you are unwashed low-lifes. Oh and he doesn’t like me, either.”

“Good grief!” said Tifa. “Well why does he like Vincent?”

“Well he seems to be under the impression Vincent is some sort of nobility; a knight on a just quest. Vincent also a very skilled marksman and has a lot of knowledge about guns. To be fair, Cerberus is very special. The steel that makes up his barrels came from the glaive-blades of Dragon Knights, and the petrified wood for his handle came from trees that first sprouted fifteen thousand years ago near the City of the Ancients. The gold filigree isn’t gold at all; it’s a strange kind of bronze, infused with meteoric iron and dragon’s blood. And the wolf heads on the barrels were made by royal artisans. He’s definitely got an attitude, but he’s got the bloodlines to back it up.”

“Well there ya go, Barret!” said Cid. “The gun doesn’t hate you because you’re black, it hates you because you’re a peasant!”

“Oh that just makes me feel so much better. Well at least it hates you too. Damned gun. Wonder if Vincent would notice if we melted it down?”

“Oh yeah,” said Cid. “He’d notice and then he would turn into something that suitably expressed his displeasure. And speaking of pissing Vin off, we better get his baby back to bed.” He took the gun from Teddy, then dipped to kiss his head. “Y’need anything?”

Teddy shook his head. “Nah, I just need to rest. If I do need anything I’ll poke David, though frankly he seems to need his rest, too.”

“Well being dead for a while takes a lot out of you,” said Cid. “Trust me on that, I spent a year dead.”

Teddy smiled. “Night Cid.”

“Night there short stuff.”

Tifa put Fairy back on his tree, and the trio left the room, quietly closing the door after them. Tifa of course couldn’t help but worry.

“Poor Teddy looks so weak.”

“He’ll look better after the triple bypass,” said Cid.

Barret winced. “Damn, man! Poor little guy!”

“Triple bypass?!” said Tifa. “He’s barely in his thirties!”

“Thirty-two. Doesn’t smoke, ‘cept for a little pot on the weekends, has a bit of wine now and then, stays away from meat, grease, fat, starch, bacon, white sugar and processed food. And his arteries are a total clogged mess.” Cid just shook his head, then stuck a cigarette in his mouth and lit it. “Granola, man. Take it from me, that shit will kill you.”

Tifa and Barret exchanged glances, then Barret raised an eyebrow.

“Cid… the only way you’re gonna die is to be beaten to death.”

“I ain’t dying,” he said as the three made their way down the wide, carpeted stairs. “I can’t die. I gotta stay an’ look after my baby. Besides that I got shit to do, places to go! The kids will be grown one day, me an’ Vin are gonna travel around the world a few times them make a new batch. There’s my beautiful baby now.”

Cid reached the bottom of the stairs and walked to the small, slender figure standing in the livingroom, taking Vincent’s small face between his hands as he kissed him. Tifa took hold of Barret’s arm and gazed up at him.

“Aren’t they a cute couple?”

Barret made a face. “Well Vincent almost counts as cute.”

“Come on, admit they’re cute.”

“No.” He watched as Tifa put Cerberus back in the case and closed the glass door, slipping the padlock back on. “I’m tired of being the only straight man in the group.”

“Tseng’s straight.”

“Not with hair down to his ass he ain’t.”

“Well then where did Aeris get the two kids from?”

“Black market.”

“Oh Barret you are so full of it!”

He grinned. “I thought that’s what you liked about me!”

“That and the cute way you rant about anything and everything.”

“I ain’t cute!”

She hugged him tightly. Barret just sighed. “Well there goes my image down the toilet.”

“Oh you love me and you know it.”

“You’re right. I do. It’s the only reason I let you talk me into moving into that creepy old barn.”

Tifa looked up at him, huge brown eyes worried. “But you like the house, don’t you?” she asked in a worried little voice.

Barret rolled his eyes. Poor Tifa. Ingrained somewhere in her genetic makeup was an overwhelming urge to make everyone on the planet happy, and rarely sparing a thought for herself. She never asked anything of anyone. She had long ago decided that her job on the planet was to see everyone well and content. But Barret had lived with and loved Tifa for many years now. And the only time she showed any sign of breaking was when someone else in this demented little family became pregnant. Then she went into the basement and started making beer – a lot of beer. Beer enough to soak most of Midgar. She would keep it up until she was exhausted, then would go to bed, and collapse, sleeping for days until she could face the fact that her male friends were making babies and that she could not. But she still never talked about it, never complained once that the cut Sephiroth had dealt her had taken away her ability to be a mother. The only damned thing she had ever asked anyone for was that rancid old mansion, covered in black mould and a blacker past. And there was no way in hell Barret was taking it from her.

“I love the house, you know that,” he lied.

“Really?” she asked, looking at him with those huge wet Bambi eyes.

“Really,” he assured her, offering a silent prayer the place burned to the ground. “But I’ll like it better once we get all those tunnels blocked off.”

“Me too,” she admitted, slipping her arms around his waist and resting her head on his huge chest. “Well that’s what we came here to ask about, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it is. Well let’s get the family rounded up and ask them for help.”

“Okay,” she said, and looked up at him, smiling. She rose up onto her toes to kiss him, and Barret was glad to know he could bring some joy to this woman who endured so much and asked for nothing in return. He sure as hell liked the way she was packaged, but the inside was pretty damned fine, too.

They walked into the livingroom to find Aeris and Tseng seated on the couch watching Vincent and Cid have an argument. Tifa took Barret’s hand and guided him over to the couch, joining Aeris and her husband. Cid was a ranter, though he was rarely truly angry. But when Vincent was angry the very warmth seemed sucked from the air. He was cold as an ice storm, and while no one had any idea what he was upset about, he was clearly not to be moved on the subject.

“You’re not doing it,” said Vincent with finality.

Cid stared at Vincent in open astonishment. This was the second time in his life he had heard Vincent say ‘no’, but it was the first time he’d ever heard Vincent say it to him. And he wasn’t sure he liked it.

“Baby… I really don’t think this is your call.”

The temperature lowered. Tifa and Aeris exchanged frightened glances, able to see their breath in the air. Upstairs in her room, Ifalna watched in puzzlement as Capey-cape retreated to a corner and was still.

“Vincent…”

“You are not doing it and that is the end of it, and if you go ahead and do it anyway then I am packing up the kids and leaving.”

Cid’s jaw dropped and his eyes grew large. “You have got to be shitting me.”

“I’m not. Cid I love you but if you do this then I am gone.”

“But...!”

“End of discussion.”

Vincent silently walked away, leaving Cid floundering in the middle of the livingroom.

“He’s very intense, isn’t he?” said Tseng quietly from his place on the couch.

“Very,” said Cid. “He’s like water. He just flows on his own quiet way, until he comes to something he doesn’t like. Then he’ll toss you down a cliff and shatter you.”

“What was he upset about?” asked Tifa.

Cid stood gazing in the direction of the stairway Vincent had just gone up. “I… ah… sort of admitted I’d been thinking about talking Baby out of a vial of blood.”

“Damn, man!” said Barret. “And do what with it?”

“Use it to give myself the ability to fly, what else? What’s wrong with that?”

“I think he likes you the way you are,” said Tifa.

“Well I wouldn’t be any different!”

Cid went after Vincent, heading up the stairs and down the hall that led to their bedroom. He entered the large dark chamber, and found Vincent lying on his side on the bed, facing away from Cid. He did not move as Cid entered the room and closed the door.

“Vincent,” began Cid.

“I’m not backing down on this one, Cid. I can’t.”

“Can you at least tell me why?”

Vincent slowly sat up, and turned to look at Cid. “Because it could take you from me forever. Cid those chemicals are dangerous. In most cases there is some, if not a complete, change of personality. It’s like I said the day you and I went flying. Sephiroth, Genesis, Angeal, Cloud all changed, that is four out of the six genetically altered friends we have. I can’t take the chance. And if you react badly to it you could die on the spot, leaving me alone. Please Cid, I’ve lost too much.”

Cid shuffled his feet, looking hurt. When he spoke his voice was quiet.

“What about what I lost? Why doesn’t anyone think that’s important?”

“It is important,” said Vincent gently.

He rose from the bed and walked over to Cid, taking his hands and kissing him softly, lingering in the close warmth. Then he placed his head on his chest, closing his eyes as he sank against him.

“It is important,” Vincent repeated firmly. “But you’re important too. If you died tomorrow I could perhaps find a reason to go on. But to see the light die in your eyes and become a stranger… there would be no going on for me. I would stay for the children but I would be dead inside.”

Cid put his arms around Vincent, holding him tightly. “I just see it as such a gift.”

“It is, but it’s not cheaply bought. It could cost you absolutely everything you have. And I don’t want to lose you.”

“Is there anyway to find out how it could affect me?”

“Not without shooting it into you.”

“Crap. I wanna fly like you do!”

“Well short of sitting on my back, that’s not going to happen. And I seriously doubt that Chaos could lift the both of us.”

Cid grinned and nuzzled him. “You’re so damned cute when you have wings. I love the way you skip along like a great big bird.”

“Cid you think everything I do is cute.”

“That’s because everything you do is cute. You’re even cute when you’re pissed off.” Cid kissed him, then sighed heavily. “Well that’s one more dream down the crapper.”

“Cid I’m so sorry. I just don’t want to lose you. I lost you once already. I’m not letting it happen again.”

“It won’t happen. If you’re scared it’ll turn me into something then I won’t do it.” He kissed him again. “But I expect you to wear the cowboy outfit later tonight.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Oh why not?”

Vincent rose up on his toes to kiss Cid, eyes playful. He reached down to give the bulge in Cid’s pants a brief, gentle squeeze before walking away. “Someone tore it to shreds trying to get it off me.”

Cid winced as the hand softly caressed him, uttering a quiet sound of want. “Yeah that’s right, I did. What one do we have left?”

“The pirate outfit and the gangster outfit.”

“Oh yeah, pirate. Definitely pirate. Can’t we do that now?”

“Not with company downstairs,” said Vincent, amusement in his quiet voice.

Cid watched him walk away, the slender body swaying, the long black hair falling down his back, the small firm butt squeezed into the leather pants. As Vincent opened the door, he suddenly felt a hand grab his hair and haul him back into the bedroom before the door was kicked shut.

“Fuck company,” said Cid.

Downstairs, Tifa, Barret, Aeris and Tseng all looked up as Vincent uttered an odd little squeak just before the door slammed.

“Is that what I think it was?” asked Barret.

“The mating yip of the black-breasted Valentine,” said Aeris. “We hear it about two or three times a day. Sometimes five. Current record stands at eleven. But that was a special occasion. Cid had just bought a new airship.”

“Poor Vincent,” said Tifa.

From upstairs there came a low throaty growl that seemed to vibrate the floorboards, the sound of small objects being swept aside, the flap of monstrous wings, and finally Cid’s voice.

“Watch the fangs ya dipstick!”

“I don’t feel sorry for either of them,” grumbled Barret. “Anybody like a beer?”

“Me!” said Aeris. She grinned and waved as she saw a tall figure walk into the large livingroom. “Hi Baby! Hi Zack! Oh and there’s Cloud and Reno! It’s a party!”

“Especially upstairs,” remarked Tseng as something thumped loudly.

“What brings you guys here?” asked Aeris.

“Tifa said she and Barret had a favour to ask of all of us,” said Cloud. He looked over his shoulder towards the door as Yuffie barged in, followed by Nanaki, who had been sleeping on the porch.

“Now all we need is the cat,” said Barret. He glowered as a small form walked by, tail waving. “Hello Reeve.”

The cat waved.

“You’re a sick man.”

“I just build the talking cats,” said Cait in his lilting accent. “You are the one that actually talks to them.”

Barret grumbled and went to get beer. A few minutes later Cid came downstairs, looking very pleased with life, smelling of sweat and musk.

“Hey it’s a full house!”

Sephiroth tossed his head and looked offended. “Cid if you’re going to fuck like a rabbit the least you can do is bathe periodically.”

“I save it up just for you, beautiful. So what’s this big favour you wanted to ask us, Tifa?”

She waited until Vincent came downstairs, damp and smelling of sandalwood soap and taking a seat on Cid’s lap. She glanced nervously over at Barret, who smiled at her encouragingly. She cleared her throat, nervously crossing her legs at the ankles as he perched demurely on one arm of the sofa.

“Well, as you know, Rufus was nice enough to give me Shinra Manor. I mean… I’m really just the archivist but… the place is basically mine.”

“Lucky you,” said Sephiroth dryly.

“Anyway,” said Tifa, “it’s still… a wee bit haunted.”

“A wee bit?” said Cid.

“More than a wee bit,” she admitted. “In fact… sort of a lot. Anyway… Barret and I were hoping… that…” She pulled worriedly at her fingers. “We could talk you guys into helping us clear out the tunnels and such?”

“No,” said Sephiroth.

“No way,” said Zack.

“Not a chance,” said Vincent.

“Are you out of your mind?” said Cloud.

“But…!” Tifa never had a chance to finish before Sephiroth was on his feet in full snit.

“How can you even ask that of us? Do you not remember what happened in that house to us? I lost my mind, Vincent was murdered, and Cloud and Zack were stuck in tanks and experimented on. And even if none of that had happened, do you honestly expect us to go into those wet tunnels? Need I remind you that there are worms down there?”

“Worms?!” said Tifa. “You’re worried about worms?! I’ve personally seen what you did to a thirty foot high Midgar Zolom. You impaled it on a dead tree that was still upright and in the ground. And you’re in hysterics over a little harmless earthworm?!”

“They are not harmless, they are vile disgusting little slithering horrors. And who knows what they’re capable of in great enough numbers?”

The group assembled in the room just stared at him. Cid of course was the first to speak.

“You’re still not quite right in the noggin’, are ya, Sephy?”

“They plot. I know they plot. I’m not sure what, yet, but it can’t be good.”

“The truly sad thing,” said Cloud, “is he’s just like he was before the breakdown.”

Sephiroth was implacable. “I AM NOT GOING INTO ANY PLACE THAT IS WET AND DARK AND HAS WORMS!”

“Ah you’ve been inside Zack plenty of times,” said Cid dismissively. Aeris covered her mouth, but not quickly enough to stop beer from shooting out her nose.

“You okay hon?” asked Tseng.

“No! Lordy that’s painful! I need a hankie.”

As Aeris went in search of tissue, Zack rose from the chair and walked over to his distraught lover, gently soothing him as he had in days past. Cloud could not help but grin as he watched a scene straight out of happier times.

“It’s okay,” said Zack gently. “No need to upset yourself, no one is going to make you do anything you don’t want to.”

“She wants me in the tunnels under the house! Do you have ANY idea what is down there after all this time!?”

“I know, I know, it’s utterly unconscionable,” said Zack, calm and collected, stroking the long, silken hair.

“What am I, a rat-catcher?! Who the fuck was it that had to march in when Hill 83 was overrun and liberate our supplies and soldiers?”

“I know,” said Zack soothingly.

“And who had to go into Wutai and put down the resistance? Do they think I just danced in there and..?”

“That was Mideel.”

“What?”

“Mideel. We were in Mideel. Not Wutai.”

“Well who cares, it was a burg! It’s not like I was ever asked to invade anyplace warm and dry!”

“I know,” said Zack, still all tranquility and sympathy. “But there’s no need to be upset, they’re just worms.”

“They are NOT just worms, they’re heinous disgusting slithering demonic abominations! And they’re probably everywhere by now. Plotting and… and… and… wiggling!”

Cid leaned over to speak quietly to Cloud, keeping his eyes on Sephiroth and Zack. “So this is Baby at his mental health best, huh?”

Cloud grinned. “Yup. That’s as good as it gets.”

“He’s… still a whack job.”

“He was born a whack job. He has an IQ of two hundred and eleven. That tends to make a person a little gonzo.”

Cid’s jaw dropped. “Two hundred and eleven?! I didn’t know that was humanly possible!”

“All it takes is a little in-utro brain tinkering.”

“Damn!”

Tifa stood up and walked over to Sephiroth, who was still in a knot over the situation. She lightly nudged Zack aside, then reached up to begin gently rubbing the Silver Tiger behind the ears. Almost instantly one knee began threatening to buckle.

“Please?” she asked sweetly. “For me?”

He didn’t answer, just making some growling and muttering noises. She increased the pressure just slightly, and this time the knee did buckle, as did the other one. He had his head resting against her enormous breasts, his eyes closed and a look of pure ecstasy on his face.

“For me?” she wheedled gently.

“I don’t know…”

“Please? Who’s a pretty kitty? Huh? Who’s a beautiful kitty?”

She did something that made him squirm and squiggle like a feline in heat, his dignity a fond memory but nothing more.

“Come on. Pretty kitty gonna come catch all the bad mousies in my housie?”

“Fine, sure, whatever.”

“Good kitty!” Tifa looked up at Zack, Cloud and Vincent. “So are the three of you going to help too, or do I have to get rough?”

They stared back at her with enormous eyes. It was Zack who finally spoke.

“Lady… I’m scared of you.”

“So you’ll come?”

Cloud sighed heavily, and he, Zack and Vincent all exchanged glances as Sephiroth purred contentedly.

“Fine, sure, whatever,” said Vincent.

Birfday!

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 08:48:01 GMT

Happy birthday to chaotic_binky! May you receive threefold the joy you send to others, and long may we be blessed with your chaotic-ness!!

My Fellow Canadians.

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 22:47:05 GMT

Well we've reached an all-time low, here, folks, now Telus, formerly BC Tel, want to charge you for getting spam on your cel phone. Uh.... no. Well the NDP in yet another desperate bid to rebuild their shattered reputation is tossing around a petition to stop this nonsense. If you're Canadian and don't want to be charged money for getting "U CN MAK UR PNIS BIGR!" on your phone, then please go sign it.

Okay here's the fabric!

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 08:05:56 GMT

Mr. Rat finally admitted that it's a dark forrest green. The pink for some reason came out rather muted. It's brighter and shinier than in the pic. So what do you think? Do they work?

Frustration.

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 05:08:05 GMT

Ah yes, it's allllllllllll coming back to me; the frustration, the stress, the humiliation. Sigh. Sorry, I'm a little upset and I'm kinda wanking a little. See I found a pattern - Mad Hatter is helping me with it. Then I planned on asking Ice Lady if she might consider making me a corset. And I raided my fabric stores for something pretty, which I found, so what's my problem?

I have absolutely no idea what colours I've picked. Y'see... I'm colourblind.

Now when Shane was alive, she would take me shopping. I was always colour co-ordinated because she, being a trained artist, had a fabulous grasp of colour. But Shane has been gone these many years, and all I have is Mr. Rat, who is of the "Gee but I don't want to upset you" school of husbanding.

Now the fabric I found for the skirt is a gorgeous bright pink in imitation Japanese silk. The fabric I picked for the tunic could be green, or blue, or possibly brown. It fits brilliantly into the spectrum of colours I can't see. All I know is it's a dark rayon blend and I love the way it drapes. So I ask Mr. Rat how it looks, and he gets that frozen look of panic that husbands get when they think that no matter what they say they'll get in trouble. All I want to know is if the fabric I picked for the tunic works with what I picked for the skirt! DAMNIT! It's so bloody frustrating! And fabric store personnel are not trained to be helpful. They're not. I go in there and say "I need help, I'm colourblind," and all they say is "Oh that's a blah blah yadda yadda, and it's very popular." Hey fashion designers, here's a few words for you; YELLOW, GREEN, BLUE, RED, ORANGE. Try those for a change. Calling a colour "Morning Passion" or some crap IS VERY GODDAMNED FRUSTRATING FOR THOSE OF US WHO CAN'T SEE IT.

NOT looking forward to walking into that party at VCON as the most amusing visual disaster ever.

Little help?

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 05:01:44 GMT

I can sew. I like to sew. When I got married I made the outfits my husband, son and dog wore. Well I have a large amount of some gorgeous fabric and I'd love to do something with it but I hate all the patterns I find. They're all made for emaciated females and are ultra girlie and I hate them. I want to make a dress to wear to my first book release party at VCON and since it is a sci-fi convention I want to wear something with a little bang to it. So can anybody help me design a pattern?

WHOLE STACK O' BIRFDAYS!

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 00:15:25 GMT

Happy birthday to tuxedo_elf, to mirien, and to eveiya! May you all receive threefold the joy you send to others!

Birfday!

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 02:05:55 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO mashiara369!

FINAL FANTASY VII - Puff Balls.

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:31:29 GMT

Puff Balls.

Author: The Magic Rat
Rating: PG
Pairings: Cid/Vincent.
Warnings: Inappropriate use of bird feathers.
Summary: Cid was a very bad boy. Now if he could only remember what exactly it was he did…

Author’s Notes: ani_mama wanted some Cid & Vincent fluff. I promised her fluff complete with puff balls. Then a plot bunny leapt from the shadows and bit me…

For those of you who are not familiar with marabou stork feathers – those are the very fine fluffy feathers you see on the toes of women’s slippers and such.

Aeris watched as Cid limped into the kitchen, moving slowly and quietly, clad only in boxers, socks and an undershirt. His complexion was grey at best. He had puffy, red-rimmed eyes, and his hands shook as he reached for the coffee pot.

“Well good morning,” said Aeris, seated comfortably at the kitchen table.

Cid made a quiet moaning sound in response, making a face as he tugged uncomfortably at the waistband of his shorts. He poured coffee into his cup, then added cream.

“Did we have fun last night?” she asked.

“Far too much,” croaked Cid.

Aeris smiled. “Is Vincent unhappy with you?”

“No,” said Cid. “Vincent is not unhappy. Vincent is royally pissed.”

“He did ask you to come home at a reasonable hour.”

“4:45 is perfectly reasonable.”

Aeris giggled. “If you were coming back from a party. But you were just out drinking with your crew. And it’s Benji and Aiden’s birthday today!”

“I know! I was celebrating!”

Vincent himself walked into the kitchen, silent and bringing with him a faint whiff of sulphur. He walked by Cid, helping himself to his cup of coffee. Cid puckered up for a kiss, and was utterly ignored. He watched as Vincent took his cup of coffee and went outside. Cid sighed heavily, tugging at his shorts once more.

“Yeah, he’s ticked.”

“You did rather leave him hanging,” said Aeris.

“He knew I was a disaster when he first started dating me. If he wanted a guy who didn’t screw up then he should have married someone else.” He poured himself another cup of coffee. “But I can’t figure out what he’s so mad about.”

“You don’t think crawling home drunk off your feet at 4:45 in the morning was enough?”

“No usually that’s only good for the ‘I can’t believe I married you’ remark. Normally I have to do something really stupid to get the silent treatment.”

“Well he’s certainly unhappy about something. What did you do last night?”

Cid poured cream into his coffee, brow furrowing as he tried to think. “I’m not sure. We went to the pub down by the beach, sat outside, one of the guys ran into some friends and we got invited to a barbecue… ended up talking to a female pilot about fuel cells. After that it’s kind of a blur…”

Aeris sipped her coffee, saying nothing as Cid tugged impatiently at his shorts yet again. He set down his coffee and went into the bathroom, but remained only a moment before he came shooting out, eyes huge with concern and went tearing after Vincent.

“Baby! Whatever it is I did, I can explain! Please! I’m sorry! I am so sorry! I’ll make it up to you I swear! GOD VINCENT PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!”

Teddy walked into the kitchen, yawning, reaching for a mug to fill with coffee. Aeris watched the little hippie, taking note of his total lack of interest over the scenario happening on the lawn.

“I take it you know what’s going on,” she said dryly.

He grinned. “Oh yeah.”

“So share. I’m not psychic like you.”

“Psychic’s got nothing to do with it,” said Teddy, smiling. “I helped.”

Aeris’ jaw dropped, and she sat forward. “Teddy what did you do?”

“Well, Vincent was really hurt that Cid would pick last night of all nights to take off and tie one on, and… much as we all love Cid, Mr. Sensitivity he is not. And to be honest, all I did was loan Vincent the glue and the marabou stork feathers. He did the rest.”

Aeris turned her head to watch Cid chase Vincent around the yard, begging forgiveness, imploring him not to leave.

“What did he do, exactly?” she asked.

“Well,” said Teddy, making himself some toast, “Cid was lying there, passed out dead. I mean you could have set him on fire, he never would have known. He must have made it home on auto-pilot. He was ripped. So our little Vincent out there undresses Cid, takes a razor and some shaving cream, and proceeds to relieve Mr. Highwind of every single pubic hair he has.”

Aeris’ eyes grew huge. Teddy caught his toast as it popped out of the toaster, grinning.

“Gets better. He then smears Cid’s nether regions with wood glue, which does not come off well or easily, and replaces the afore-mentioned pubic hair with pink fluffy marabou stork feathers arranged into a pretty heart with a bit of lace around the edge to give it some definition.”

“So, basically, Cid just walked into the bathroom, discovered he has pink fluffy no-no bits, and is convinced he did something unforgivable,” said Aeris.

Teddy nodded, chewing his toast and trying desperately hard not to laugh.

“That’s cruel!”

“Hey, two things you should never underestimate are karma, or quiet people. Cid messed with both and the universe bit back. What can I do? I’m just a little skinny hippie. I gotta go the way the universal flow pushes me.”

“It’s mean!” said Aeris.

“So are you going to tell him what happened?”

Aeris looked out the kitchen window to the front yard, where Cid was following Vincent around on his knees, begging forgiveness. She then leaned back in her chair and sipped her coffee.

“Heck no, I’m still mad at him for using my panties to clean grease off the lawn mower.”